Recently my house has run out of toilet paper. I live in a large house, and it is surprising how much toilet paper we go through on a daily basis. I will attribute the causes of this problem to the sheer number of people with whom I live, and to incredibly inefficient toilet paper use by unknown roommates. I’m not going to air out my living situation’s dirty laundry because that would be unfair, but I will safely say that there is vast room for improvement in our toilet paper efficiency department.
Most of y’alls would be looking at this as a downer. How you gonna be able to poop when your house is devoid of TP? But I am optimistic about this prospect because this now increases my propensity to use the bathrooms on campus more often to this blog’s agenda. There is only one small inconvenience to this and that I have to plan my digestive schedule to best accommodate my class schedule, but to me that is a small price to pay for the advancement of the blog and for all the money I’ll be saving by not buying my own toilet paper.
So the bathroom of choice today was Miller Hall, which is a building in the quad. I have a class on the third floor there once a week this quarter so it’s been incorporated into my rotation for a minute. This has given me ample moments to observe the dynamics of this particular restroom.
First observation: there is always, always, always an old dude in there. What department does Miller house? I don’t think I’ve seen that many old dudes in one building at once, and that’s saying something considering I’ve spent a lot of time in ESRM buildings. There’s nothing inherently wrong with old dudes. It’s not like I hate them or anything. They do have the tendency to give absolutely no fucks about how loudly they poop, which I greatly admire but is also really gross. Every once in a while I have to hold the door for an old dude passing through, and the series of eye contact and giving of thanks can be very awkward.
Second observation: really big windows. The entire south wall is a series of windows. Not enough bathrooms use this to their advantage, especially the upper-floor ones that don’t have to deal with lookers-on. The natural light is a pleasant change-up from the eyesore CFL’s they’re putting in every room. With that being said, it doesn’t get very good ventilation for whatever reason, so it smells pretty dank every time I go in there.
Third observation: imbalance in water dynamics. The urinals in Miller 3 are super old-school ones that use 472 gallons of water per flush and look like toilet bowls mounted onto the wall that you pee in. But seriously there’s an obscene amount of water in there for a urinal. There can’t possibly be a need for all that water. I think that other people notice this as well, and this has led to a sense of guilt regarding flushing 472 gallons of water for each use. Ultimately the result of this is that people don’t flush the urinals half the time, which is pretty gross, but if water conservation is more of your thing, it may be worth the sacrifice.
This is in direct contrast to the toilets in the stalls, which use a pathetic amount of water so as to ensure a double flush. Double flushes are typically reserved for the poops that you’re proudest of. The need to double baby flush everything in Miller waters down the sense of accomplishment of a double flush poop (DFP) to something much less than it should be.
Observation four: this is one of the larger bathrooms on campus, and I think is the only men’s bathroom between the second and third floors in Miller. This means that it gets a lot of traffic. If you are the timid type, avoid this place at all costs. There’s never been an instance where I’ve had the place to myself. The old dudes that use it genuinely do not care about your bathroom well-being and will shit as loudly as they please. There’s usually pee in the urinals. The smell is a little funky. And the decor is nothing to write home about, except for the windows. There’s not a lot to gain from using Miller 3. This is an advanced-level bathroom, not for the faint at heart.