Not gonna lie, I’m pretty pumped to write the review for this particular restroom. A couple things first. One, the site’s been getting more and more recommendations for both good and hilariously bad bathrooms, so we’ll start using a couple of those to close out the year. We like the feedback so keep it coming. Two, if you want to submit your own review, email it to email@example.com and if the High Council deems it worthy, you’ll get some air time. Don’t bitch at us if we don’t post it too. Go make your own blog and post whatever shit you want there. On to the review.
There’s two physics buildings on campus next to one another, but to clarify to those that are sane enough to avoid taking physics classes, this is the one with the big pendulum on the ground floor. It’s also the further east one if you have a compass and/or a reasonable sense of direction. You walk in and there’s just this ridiculous pendulum swinging around. It’s to demonstrate some sort of phenomenon explained by momentum and velocity and an assortment of coefficients, most likely. I personally hate physics so I could care less. Moving on!
The easiest way to get down the basement is the spiral staircase right under the pendulum. Go down that and bathrooms are on the right. Before you open the door, observe the automatic door button at waist-level. You thought that shit was only at the entrances into Allen Library, huh? I thought so too. Legend has it that they were installed for Stephen Hawking if he ever graced the building with his presence and he had to pinch one off. Except he’s in a wheelchair so I have no idea how that works.
This bathroom is nice right off the bat. Not that many people were there, although it was about five minutes after classes started so that’s understandable. It also lacks asbestos, which won me over instantly. Like your usual basement bathroom, it’s windowless, but refreshingly well-lit. I had to poop so I found the stalls in the room next to the sink area. I counted no less than five stalls running parallel to a seemingly endless line of sparkling Chinese imported porcelain urinals. You talk about living the high life, your dream house in Malibu would be incomplete without at least one of those bad boys in every room. Mad Mike from Pimp My Ride would put one in your trunk if he could, because they’re just that good. They were so alluring I was about to take my shit in the urinal.
Really though, the weakest part about this restroom is the toilet paper. This isn’t even the fault of this particular bathroom, all the stalls at UW have the same awful toilet paper. TP can make or break a good dump, and unfortunately it broke my spirit a little when I realized there was only the shitty kind to be had. Why people don’t realize this, I don’t know. You think you’re being all frugal and penny-pinching getting the cheap shit, but people just think you’re a prick for getting that stuff. Toilet paper is one of those things where it’s not worth buying the generic stuff. You gotta go name-brand status. It’s not a matter of thinking, “My asshole has earned to not be gashed open by wood fibers,” you need that shit. You deserve that. At all times. It should be a Constitutional amendment, and yeah, it’s that necessary. Fuck that Alaskan Airlines sponsorship, we should be playing in Charmin Arena.
Real talk, when your toilet paper is the worst part of the bathroom experience, you’ve found a keeper. After I washed my hands in a sink that provided just the right temperature of hot water, I turned around and found even more beautiful urinals. I was one of the few times in my life where an amenity included quality and quantity. And it was clean, which means that not a whole lot of people use it, probably because it’s tucked in a corner of the campus (right along the Burke). This one is one of the true hidden gems I have uncovered so far. If you’re ever in the area, definitely consider it as one of your go-to spots.